Book Notes: “When Things Don’t Go Your Way” by Haemin Sunim

Citation: Sunim, Haemin. When Things Don’t Go Your Way: Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times. New York: Penguin Books, 2019.

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Since 2021, I’ve been expanding my understanding of Eastern philosophies, since my education is very Western dominant. Traditions like Zen Buddhism and Taoism provide practical wisdom and, in my opinion, their use of analogies is poetic. In many respects, Eastern philosophy has much in common with Greek and Roman Stoicism. This is perhaps one reason why I’m attracted to them. These philosophies tend to take the world as it is, not as it should be.

During an episode of the Focused podcast, the co-hosts interviewed Haemin Sunim, the author of several popular books on Zen Buddhism and how its teachings apply to modern life. Normally, I wouldn’t provide a review or notes on such a book. But, given my interest in productivity and how people see themselves in relation to their work I thought it was appropriate. This book provides a terrific perspective for anyone who’s had setbacks or simply has too much on their plate.

What’s most interesting about Sunim is his personal story. He is transparent about his own setbacks during his time as an educator and the struggles he faced, despite being well educated on the principles of Zen Buddhism. In the West, I think many people hold the view that Zen teachers of Eastern traditions are “enlightened” and possess a level of calmness that we do not. But, this is not necessarily the case. While Sunim is probably more self-aware of his own nature, he’s by no means perfect. Even a Buddhist can experience disappointment from setbacks in life.

I’m not interested in literary criticism, so this is not a book review. Instead, I’ve included some of my notes and some of the more meaningful quotes that hit home for me what I was reading this book. If people like this post, perhaps I will provide notes from other technology and productivity-focused books that I read.

Notes

• When enduring pain from disappointment or betrayal, it’s important to allow yourself to not be okay and not pick yourself back up immediately. You have to sit with your present feelings, sometimes for months, and process them (p. 4-7). Understanding what you feel isn’t weakness. It helps us understand why we were bothered.
  

• Why are we unhappy? “The answer is rather simple. We are unhappy because we can’t find peace with what is” (p.19). He talks about Buddha describing our unsatisfied unhappy self as “grasping.” Sunim returns to this theme throughout the book. For instance, focusing on what we have and practicing gratitude, rather than focusing on what we don’t have is more likely to lead to us feeling satisfied with what is and be happy. Enduring challenges and accepting that there will always be challenges is another example of accepting the life as it is. (Marcus Aurelius said something very similar).
  

• Our minds are quick to label things as pleasant or unpleasant rather than just accept things as they are. This does not mean we excuse bad behaviour, but instead we acknowledge and accept it and move forward (p. 21).
  

• “It is said that those who are patient will be blessed in the end. When something is testing your patience, take a deep breath and think: ‘Ah, this has happened so that I might be blessed’” (p. 52).
  

• “If you wish to be happy, trying doing things differently. On the way home, take a path other than your usual way. Try ordering a new dish instead of the same old food. Find a new song to listen to beyond your usual playlist. Change the location of the furniture in your house. Try out a book in a genre you don’t normally read, and buy some fresh flowers to put on the table. We feel happy when we experience positive newness” (p. 114).
  

• “One who knows how to enjoy time by themselves, without depending on others, is a free person. Having a lot of time does not in itself make a person free” (p. 117).
  

• It’s the present moment that makes us happy, or where we find happiness, not while seeking something else. The feeling of happiness that we get when getting a new house or car isn’t from the object, but the temporary rest (being present) from seeking and acquiring things (p. 123).
  

• People play multiple roles – as parents, colleagues partners, bosses, customers, teachers, students, etc. We only know people for a couple of the roles they play and should realize we only know a small bit about that person (p. 130).
  

• “Instead of following the crowd and competing with others to do a task better, why not take the time to discover what truly suits you and what fewer people are pursuing” (p. 169).